IELTS Writing Task 2 | Cold Calling

Topic:

Cold calling, as a source of telemarketing, has become a matter of considerable concern these days.

What is your reaction to cold calling, and what strategies should be devised to control this social major issue?

General Information

The Academic Writing test takes 60 minutes. It consists of two tasks. The recommended time for each task is: 20 minutes on Task 1, and 40 minutes on Task 2. Between the two tasks of your Academic Writing Test, you are free to start from the one you like.
Your essay should include at least 250 words.
You should spend approximately 40 minutes on this task.
In this task, your ability to respond to a topic, generate relevant ideas, outline problems and offer solutions to the problems based on your experience and reasoning is measured.
IELTS Writing Task 2 falls into the category of argumentative essays.
IELTS Writing Task 2, compared to IELTS Writing Task 1, carries more weight in scoring.
Your reader is an educated person with only general knowledge of the topic.

Essayist: Sasan

Today, cold calling is one of the paramount techniques for marketing even though it is annoying for some consumers. I personally support this method, however, the people in this field ought to be trained in order to follow this method appropriately.
Cold calling has myriads of benefits for not only customers but also sellers. To specify it, there are many cases in which people have some needs, but, they are not informed about the state-of-the-art gadgets which can be helpful for their inquiries. So, telephone marketing could be beneficial in this case. Moreover, businessmen need to introduce their products to the clients meticulously. Therefore, telemarketing could be an efficient platform to describe the features of their products to the consumers. Nevertheless, some naive business people try to make cold calls in an unprofessional way, affecting people’s perspective towards telemarketing detrimentally. For instance, today, everybody knows where various socks are being sold. Therefore, if business people call people and start talking about a new brand of socks, the outcome will be frustrating. Consequently, people in the field of marketing had better be trained professionally.
Some measures should be implemented in order to make telemarketing practical and efficient. Firstly, the sellers should make sure that they are calling the right people. To exemplify it, it is ridiculous to call an octogenarian and talk about the features of a new brand of bicycle. So, having a background about the customers is a must. Secondly, having enough knowledge about the specifications of the products, the business people should cast light on the features which are really engrossing to the consumers. As a result, the productivity of telemarketing would flourish.
In conclusion, it seems to me that making cold callings could be useful if the business people were skillful enough.

Error Correction:

Paragraph 1:
- Line 1: paramount technique, not a good collocation (as far as I know)
Paragraph 2:
- Line 1: Omit the comma after “but”.
- Line 5: perspective on
Paragraph 3:
- Line 1: “Take / consider / adopt measures” are better collocations.
- Line 2: a brand-new bicycle
- Line 2: My preferred form: having some background information / knowledge about …
- Line 3: …, the business people could cast light … because in the preceding dependent clause, you were trying to mean that with the help of / through having some knowledge about …
Paragraph 4:
- Last line: cold calling is uncountable.
Choice of Words (Diction): Great!
Coherence: Good
Cohesion: Good
Reasoning: Great!
Word Count: “295” Great!

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